i may be broke but my style is rich

i want to take control of my style
i am lacking in that department living in this school and living in corner brook
this school makes me lazy when it comes to my style because it's where i live, i go around in sweats all the time, not even caring how i look, i am more of myself at home when it comes to that aspect because i try harder
i can't wait to go home and re visit me

pressure

i feel pressure
so much pressure
i can even feel it in my body
i thought coming here that i would be in my element and grades wouldnt matter as much and the weak areas would go away and i would strive
this is all shit. grades matter so much here and its suffocating
i feel stupid as hell. i feel like i shouldnt be here. i feel like im setting myself up for destruction. i just want to be left alone. what do i even love anymore? i just want to be held and told its all going to be okay because i dont feel like its going to be okay at all
and im tired of people judging me and acting superior over me, it's ugly and cocky as hell and i hate you for it

free

do i really think i've changed that much since i've been here? i mean, it's only been two and a half months, could i be THAT different than what i was? i think so. seriously, i really do believe i've changed, in a lot of good ways. in mostly all good ways. besides the fact that i drink so much more than i use too, it's all in a positive way. i'm not frustrated with myself and my life anymore. i was so stuck in a rut of loneliness i think and i hated that my life was surrounded by wishes and hopes and dreams that never seemed like they were going to be fulifilled. i think i've grown up. i'm not as relant on people as i use to be, not in the least. in my personality, i think i might have changed as well. it's going to be interesting to see how christmas holidays are going to be. i don't think i'm afarid anymore. i've always been social but i am way more social and happy now. any type of insecurity that was keeping me back doesn't keep me back anymore. i've met so many different new people since i've been here and it has broken a lot of the sterotypes that i had against other people here. i'm not afarid to let go of my past anymore. i'm ready. i'm ready to finish the unfinished business of my life back home and just start fresh. this is like my home now. it really is. i just want to say goodbye to all that bullshit emotional lullage i was holding onto back home. i am myself now, almost. i am free. i don't need someone to tell me or to prove to me who i am and what i can or can not do. it's like a breath of fresh air. this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, for me.

waa

im so mad at my self right now
its ridicilous
i just want someone to show me they love me
i need love
physical love
cuddling
hugs
all of that
im so sad
im so lonely
tonight, i am espically
im such a fucking idiot for thinking all that fucking shit but i cant help what i feel
i want to be held and loved :(
i want to cry but nothing is coming out
ITS A ICE CUBE IN MY ROOM
i might slip tonight
it might just happen
i just want to stay in my bed all day tomorrow, cuddled away, so no one can find me
i highly doubt they would find me anyways
because no one wants to be around me
i hatenfdasfsdajnsafdsandsadfna everything right now

fuck.

i am so fucking sick of feeling like people are fucking control my god damn fucking life. i am so fucking sick of being fucking nagged. i am so fucking sick of not feeling good enough, that i dont messure up. i am so fucking sick of being threatened by people. i am so fucking sick of my fucking school work hurtin because im afarid to say fucking no. do people not fucking understand that i have fucking work to do?!?!??!?! fuck i am so fucking sick of being fucking nagged. like fucccckk my life, just leave me fucking alone!!!!!!!!! stop being so fucking neeedddy, its so fucking pathetic and i hate it! fuck my life i hate it fuck fuck fuck. i feel like im not good enough or smart enough to be here. its like whatever i learn, it doesnt absorb into my brain. i dont feel pretty enough to be liked by anyone here. i feel like people judge me based on the way i look. im fucking sick of my fucking need to be wanted and loved. im sick of my phone vibrating. im sick of distractions. im sick of not being happy with what i have in life. im sick of so many things right now. im going to end up screaming at someone. im sick of hugging people and acting like i give a fucking about them. hugs are sickening me. fuck fuck fuck. i dont want to hug anyone anymore and act like i give a fuck. this smile is hurting, its starting to get fucking tired. i feel like cursing. im siiiiiccccccccckkkkkkkk of trying soooooooooooooo hardddddd...........its EXHAUSTING..........SO...........EXHAUSTING. playing this act, this act of this girl......this second person i have that i play.....its like my second ego. she is so tiring. i want not to give a fuck. but i care so fucking much. i want to just want this to be effortless............. im sick of lying.......lying to you and lying to him and him and him and him and you and you and you and soooo many fucking people.. and them..... and to myself. im tired of lying. i want to tell the truth, without being fucking ridculed for it because im always fucking ridculed for EVERYTHING I FUCKING DOOOOOOO
FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF DSHAFDSADSADNASDSADJKSADFCHDSAFCSDGFSDGFSDFSAHDDSABDSADHUBSA DCSA
SO FUCKING MAD UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP TELLING ME WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dasdsadsahdsahdfsadb UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF ANYMORE IM SICK OF TELLING MY FUCKING STORY, WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
that is what is going on in my head, right now.
fuck.

saying goodbye

i know i said before that i wanted my reality back but now im saying goodbye to something i didnt think id have too

im going home tomorrow... for the first time in over a month. i hope im not disappointed. i highly doubt i will be though. ive made a lot of unexpected connections here... im glad.. its like one of those things that you dont really questions about it..its just what life brings to you unexpectedly

i just want to be home right now :( home with people i love and know... and not surrounded by strangers
i sound so backwards its ridicilous

i have so much to say, not enough enegry .. i need to finish packing and showering .......................
jdsajdndabdhsadsansahdkbcdayrdsa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i am lame.

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here

ive been back and forth about putting this picture up for days
this may seem like nothing, but this is very vulnerable picture for me... it was taken in the heat of emotion... i just wanted to capture that
tell me what you think

baby, put that bottle down because you don't want to miss out

the music will go louder and louder so i can dissovle in it... and if that doesnt work i just close my eyes and i melt into it....into my own perfect little world where nothing matters expect for the music at that specific moment... nothing else, nothing more
im disgusting. i hate looking at myself. i try to pretend sometimes that im someone that im not..that im beautiful. then i see something that reminds me that im not. not at all. im horrible. disgusting, fat, ugly. everything about me is ugly. everything. thats how i feel. i hate it... its these nights, at 3:44am in the morning, when im reminded that im not beautiful that makes me want to make myself sick... and to get all the ugly out... or it makes me never want to touch food for the rest of my life. right now i don't feel like slipping.. but i feel like this.. this other hidden problem i secretly have... the one that never comes up in my head, not very often, not this..obviously. its always in the back of my head.... that i could easily go borderline at anytime with this fucking disease im trying to aviod. fuck you ugly fuck you fucking ugly lazy piece of shit. thats what im saying to myself in my head right now. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

reality

fuck, what is my reality anymore?
this isnt the way it's suppose to be. my home is my reality. my friends are my reality. kelen is my reality. my family is my reality. but everything is changing... it doesnt feel real anymore... that place. and i spent the last two years wanting this to be my reality but now that it is, its werid. they just feel like voices and past images now. i wish this wasnt true. i havent even talked to my fucking best friend in forever and i neeeeedd toooo... shes my rock. i know she will be reading this evantually,


and i love you more than anything and im not ignoring you or have forgotten you, i love you more than anything best friend, i promise <3 !!!




this place is my world now. my friend went back to st.johns for a week, and when she left she said it feels like shes leaving her world behind.... weeerrid. and she misses it here and can't wait to get back. werid.


besides that, im enjoying my time here. first presentation in acting class on friday! im very exicted.
i think i had my 3 week breakdown on sunday though... i havent felt that hopeless and i havent cried that hard and like that, for a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long time. i also slipped..... and those of you who know me will know what i am talking about.. and i'm sorry :( it was so overwhelming. i was so so so frustrated with my prose and other things. i was sitting in the lounge trying to find internet connection, listening to my ipod, when "the only expectation" played. i just broke down and bawled my eyes out... in the lounge.... by myself... like a loser. i then went back to my room and got in to bed very early, and laid in the dark for hours and cried while listening to music. good times my friends, good times.


i need kelen here. its becoming a problem.


i seem so negative and that i hate this place but i really really dont. i love being here. this is just my place to rant. so yes, i am loving it here and the experience and i like being on my own. i just want to put my bad thoughts here because i can deal with the good ones. love and miss you all.

rainy, lonely, quiet day in corner brook today :(

i love you and i miss you so much :( i miss your hugs and your loving and your kisses and everything and i'm so sad and i want you here so much :(


today isnt that fun. ive been away from home for a week now. my room is a complete and utter fucking mess right now... and my mind feels the same way. maybe thats from being lonely or it's from the amount of alchol i drank last night..or maybe it's a combination of both.
first experience of downtown corner brook last night. first experience drunk in corner brook last night. and first time drunk at university last night. it was fun. i enjoyed it more than being drunk or going downtown at home. the plan was to do it all over again tonight but i'm really not up for that right now. i'm so tired and worn out that i just can't do it tonight. besides, thats not me. i'm not a huge drinker anyways. everyone here seems to be though. no one understands where i come from with drinking... no one at all :( and if they do, their lying about it. even though i'm surrounded by 300 students living in residents, and even though i've made friends here, i'm still lonely. it's not the same thing as having your real friends around though... or your family. lucky for me though, i have an amazing family and i love them so much... and i miss them : ( i felt lonely at home though too.. a lot of the time. maybe thats how i am. it's not something to be proud of, not at all. i'm sitting at my desk, listening to people outside my door laughing and talking... and i feel jealous.. but annoyed. right now, i do want to be by myself because i don't want to put on an act and i don't want to put on a smile, because i don't feel that way right now... and i don't have enough mental strength to pretend that i do.


i miss other people too.. just the people that have always been there for the past couple years. i would miss them regardless of where i was in the world because they arn't in my life anymore. i always wonder if the type of relationship could change and we could become friends, who talk frequently about everything. i really hope so. i always want to be close with the people who i can't be close with. but theres no real reason we can't be close now.


going into my first acting class rekindled my stary eyed way about me when it came to acting and the stage. i'm so grateful for that because i was afarid it had burned out.


feeling sick, staying in bed and being a crab. i want to talk to someone :(

keep true to the dreams of your youth

I was told today by my anthropology prof that writing and reading are both skills. We arn't born with a pen in our hands, and to become a better writer, we have to write. This makes sense. I use to write ALL the time and I was a great writer. I never write anymore and I'm not that great.

I moved to the west, to Corner Brook, Newfoundland to study Theatre and evantually, after four long years, get my degree. My home, with all my family and friends, is eight hours away. This also includes my boyfriend of almost three years. "Keep true to the dreams of your youth" ... in grade five, I had a tutor I would go to after school. She told me about how she was planning on going to a theatre school in Corner Brook called "Sir Wilfred Grenfell College". I remeber that specific moment and realizing, that's where I want to be. Nine years later, here I am.

I had my first day of classes today. They were mainly introduction classes but they were still good. They made me feel comfortable... and safe almost. Expect for English... I'm kind of worried about that one. I really enjoyed my Theatre 1020 class, introduction to stage craft. I thought to myself in that class, "If acting doesn't work out, I wouldn't even mind doing what these people do. I know I would enjoy it." It's true. I've been involved with every aspect of theatre in one way or another and I've honestly enjoyed every second of it. I love the process of which a play is built and brought together... how the story is told. I think you really have to appreciate the blood, sweat and tears that's brought into theatre to study it like I am. Maybe that's what passion feels like?

My roommate is spending her first night her tonight. I thought she was going to be a no show for a while. I drove out to Corner Brook saturday night and moved in sunday night. She came here tuesday morning and it's thursday night and she's spending her first night here. She is also taking theatre, so she's in almost every one of my classes. That's not really a good thing. First, I'm living with here. Then I have to see her in four of the five classes I'm taking? That might not be good for me. I don't trust very easily and I like my space and comfort to be in my own zone. Even though we have seperate bedrooms, she's still there. Don't get me wrong, she seems really nice...but odd at the same time. Not odd in a good way either. I mean, I'm odd and I know it. But she does certain things that make me...erk. She stares at me a lot.... and I HATE when people stare at me. She also follows me around.... and I know it's probably because she doesn't know her way around and she hasn't really made any friends yet, but as I said, I like my space. I've never had a sibling near my own age live with me before... so I haven't really been in this situation before. I found out that she only JUST turned seventeen.....SEVENTEEN! ... I'm nineteen.... and no matter what anyone says, that's a HUGE difference in everything... espically maturity. I also noticed something about her.... she brushes her teeth.... A LOT. I don't mean a few times a day, I mean, it seems like she's gotten out of bed like three or four times just tonight to brush her teeth.... and I know that isn't normal. Maybe she's a germaphobe? Or has OCD? I hope not... I wouldn't wish something like that on anybody.

I'm kind of realizing what the kids in high school felt like who moved into Mount Pearl from either another province, country or even town. Espically the kids from 'around the bay'. On my floor (of twenty eight people) only two of them are from town... and that includes me. I'm like a complete outsider on that part. It doesn't really affect getting to know people and making friends, but a lot of people are already friends because they all grew up and went to school together. I'm really enjoying my floor though... I have a feeling we're all going to have a good year together.

Basically, I started this blog to write down my thoughts and feelings about everything in my life that's on-going...plus to keep my friends updated! Be back tomorrow!

Friday, September.10th, 2010, 12:59AM