reality

fuck, what is my reality anymore?
this isnt the way it's suppose to be. my home is my reality. my friends are my reality. kelen is my reality. my family is my reality. but everything is changing... it doesnt feel real anymore... that place. and i spent the last two years wanting this to be my reality but now that it is, its werid. they just feel like voices and past images now. i wish this wasnt true. i havent even talked to my fucking best friend in forever and i neeeeedd toooo... shes my rock. i know she will be reading this evantually,


and i love you more than anything and im not ignoring you or have forgotten you, i love you more than anything best friend, i promise <3 !!!




this place is my world now. my friend went back to st.johns for a week, and when she left she said it feels like shes leaving her world behind.... weeerrid. and she misses it here and can't wait to get back. werid.


besides that, im enjoying my time here. first presentation in acting class on friday! im very exicted.
i think i had my 3 week breakdown on sunday though... i havent felt that hopeless and i havent cried that hard and like that, for a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long time. i also slipped..... and those of you who know me will know what i am talking about.. and i'm sorry :( it was so overwhelming. i was so so so frustrated with my prose and other things. i was sitting in the lounge trying to find internet connection, listening to my ipod, when "the only expectation" played. i just broke down and bawled my eyes out... in the lounge.... by myself... like a loser. i then went back to my room and got in to bed very early, and laid in the dark for hours and cried while listening to music. good times my friends, good times.


i need kelen here. its becoming a problem.


i seem so negative and that i hate this place but i really really dont. i love being here. this is just my place to rant. so yes, i am loving it here and the experience and i like being on my own. i just want to put my bad thoughts here because i can deal with the good ones. love and miss you all.