i'm afarid to sleep because of what haunts me

Where do I even start? How do I even start in explaining what my world has been like since my last post? The whole obbession with home and my old life has faded. Thank god. I tore all the pictures of my 'friends' off my wall, and I have accepted that they arn't my real friends. I have accepted this life pretty much to the extent that I wanted. I'm beginning to accept that I don't need others to make me happy or to make me feel worthy. I'm not saying that I don't still feel unworthy at times but it is most defintely calmed down a little bit. It's calmed down to the extent that I can breath now without reminding myself to breath. I was terrified of leaving my old life behind but now I'm terrified of leaving this life behind. I'm so scared of saying goodbye to so many people I'm accustomed to now. I will be back but I'm so scared of closing my eyes and waking up when I'm 60 years old and thinking, "Where the hell has my life gone?". I have realized that I am most definitely my own worst enemy. Without a doubt. I need to get out of my own way to live life as if I'm actually living, and not half dead. I don't want to go back to the same old routine, which is no routine at all and be bored to the point where I want to run away. It seems like I've blown the smoke out of my eyes and I can see things much more clearly now. I don't know if it's because I'm maturing or my nice new little pills or both. I haven't cut in about a month now....or more than that. I've been seeing a threapist but I must admit, I haven't seen him in quite some time...meaning, over a week, which really is a long time considering I see him every week. Tonight I am struggling a bit though. I am struggling because I don't want to put myself in a situation where I am comprising myself and where I am letting myself be underminded for the sake of feeling wanted or loved. I struggle with keeping myself here tonight and not walking upstairs and allowing you to hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, only to turn around and to spill my secrets to the world. I'm worth so much more than that. That isn't friendship or compassion. I'm not a booty call that will drop the world at my feet because you need to feel better about yourself. How I feel to myself means much much more than anything you can make me feel, because that will go away in the matter of hours, whereas what I feel about myself will last a lifetime. I'm stronger than that. I'm better than that. I'm better than letting a male ignore me and pretend that everything we have shared and do share doesn't exist to the outside world because they are embarrased of me or of who I am or because of how I look. I'm worth everything I can give to myself plus more. I won't let you destroy that from me. You are a demon disgused as an angel. I won't be fooled by that anymore.

it will set you free

i want to be set free. i don't want to want your love or anyones love...i want to love myself enough to not need anyone elses support or reassurance. i want to get lost in a cloud of smoke and to forget the pain..i want to get lost in my thoughts, and when i mean lost i mean i dont want to be near my thoughts because they are absoutely damaging to me. i want to be the object of desire to everything and everyone. i want to be perfect in everyone elses eyes, because then i will be perfect in mine. i want to walk into a room and be the most confident person there. i want to be remebered, to be noticed. i want people to look at me and say, "who's that girl?". i want to be the badass bitch that everyone loves. even if its an act, i want everyone to love me.................why cant that be true now......whats wrong with me

i may be broke but my style is rich

i want to take control of my style
i am lacking in that department living in this school and living in corner brook
this school makes me lazy when it comes to my style because it's where i live, i go around in sweats all the time, not even caring how i look, i am more of myself at home when it comes to that aspect because i try harder
i can't wait to go home and re visit me

pressure

i feel pressure
so much pressure
i can even feel it in my body
i thought coming here that i would be in my element and grades wouldnt matter as much and the weak areas would go away and i would strive
this is all shit. grades matter so much here and its suffocating
i feel stupid as hell. i feel like i shouldnt be here. i feel like im setting myself up for destruction. i just want to be left alone. what do i even love anymore? i just want to be held and told its all going to be okay because i dont feel like its going to be okay at all
and im tired of people judging me and acting superior over me, it's ugly and cocky as hell and i hate you for it

free

do i really think i've changed that much since i've been here? i mean, it's only been two and a half months, could i be THAT different than what i was? i think so. seriously, i really do believe i've changed, in a lot of good ways. in mostly all good ways. besides the fact that i drink so much more than i use too, it's all in a positive way. i'm not frustrated with myself and my life anymore. i was so stuck in a rut of loneliness i think and i hated that my life was surrounded by wishes and hopes and dreams that never seemed like they were going to be fulifilled. i think i've grown up. i'm not as relant on people as i use to be, not in the least. in my personality, i think i might have changed as well. it's going to be interesting to see how christmas holidays are going to be. i don't think i'm afarid anymore. i've always been social but i am way more social and happy now. any type of insecurity that was keeping me back doesn't keep me back anymore. i've met so many different new people since i've been here and it has broken a lot of the sterotypes that i had against other people here. i'm not afarid to let go of my past anymore. i'm ready. i'm ready to finish the unfinished business of my life back home and just start fresh. this is like my home now. it really is. i just want to say goodbye to all that bullshit emotional lullage i was holding onto back home. i am myself now, almost. i am free. i don't need someone to tell me or to prove to me who i am and what i can or can not do. it's like a breath of fresh air. this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, for me.

waa

im so mad at my self right now
its ridicilous
i just want someone to show me they love me
i need love
physical love
cuddling
hugs
all of that
im so sad
im so lonely
tonight, i am espically
im such a fucking idiot for thinking all that fucking shit but i cant help what i feel
i want to be held and loved :(
i want to cry but nothing is coming out
ITS A ICE CUBE IN MY ROOM
i might slip tonight
it might just happen
i just want to stay in my bed all day tomorrow, cuddled away, so no one can find me
i highly doubt they would find me anyways
because no one wants to be around me
i hatenfdasfsdajnsafdsandsadfna everything right now

fuck.

i am so fucking sick of feeling like people are fucking control my god damn fucking life. i am so fucking sick of being fucking nagged. i am so fucking sick of not feeling good enough, that i dont messure up. i am so fucking sick of being threatened by people. i am so fucking sick of my fucking school work hurtin because im afarid to say fucking no. do people not fucking understand that i have fucking work to do?!?!??!?! fuck i am so fucking sick of being fucking nagged. like fucccckk my life, just leave me fucking alone!!!!!!!!! stop being so fucking neeedddy, its so fucking pathetic and i hate it! fuck my life i hate it fuck fuck fuck. i feel like im not good enough or smart enough to be here. its like whatever i learn, it doesnt absorb into my brain. i dont feel pretty enough to be liked by anyone here. i feel like people judge me based on the way i look. im fucking sick of my fucking need to be wanted and loved. im sick of my phone vibrating. im sick of distractions. im sick of not being happy with what i have in life. im sick of so many things right now. im going to end up screaming at someone. im sick of hugging people and acting like i give a fucking about them. hugs are sickening me. fuck fuck fuck. i dont want to hug anyone anymore and act like i give a fuck. this smile is hurting, its starting to get fucking tired. i feel like cursing. im siiiiiccccccccckkkkkkkk of trying soooooooooooooo hardddddd...........its EXHAUSTING..........SO...........EXHAUSTING. playing this act, this act of this girl......this second person i have that i play.....its like my second ego. she is so tiring. i want not to give a fuck. but i care so fucking much. i want to just want this to be effortless............. im sick of lying.......lying to you and lying to him and him and him and him and you and you and you and soooo many fucking people.. and them..... and to myself. im tired of lying. i want to tell the truth, without being fucking ridculed for it because im always fucking ridculed for EVERYTHING I FUCKING DOOOOOOO
FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF DSHAFDSADSADNASDSADJKSADFCHDSAFCSDGFSDGFSDFSAHDDSABDSADHUBSA DCSA
SO FUCKING MAD UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP TELLING ME WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dasdsadsahdsahdfsadb UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF ANYMORE IM SICK OF TELLING MY FUCKING STORY, WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
that is what is going on in my head, right now.
fuck.