the music will go louder and louder so i can dissovle in it... and if that doesnt work i just close my eyes and i melt into it....into my own perfect little world where nothing matters expect for the music at that specific moment... nothing else, nothing more
im disgusting. i hate looking at myself. i try to pretend sometimes that im someone that im not..that im beautiful. then i see something that reminds me that im not. not at all. im horrible. disgusting, fat, ugly. everything about me is ugly. everything. thats how i feel. i hate it... its these nights, at 3:44am in the morning, when im reminded that im not beautiful that makes me want to make myself sick... and to get all the ugly out... or it makes me never want to touch food for the rest of my life. right now i don't feel like slipping.. but i feel like this.. this other hidden problem i secretly have... the one that never comes up in my head, not very often, not this..obviously. its always in the back of my head.... that i could easily go borderline at anytime with this fucking disease im trying to aviod. fuck you ugly fuck you fucking ugly lazy piece of shit. thats what im saying to myself in my head right now. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
reality
fuck, what is my reality anymore?
this isnt the way it's suppose to be. my home is my reality. my friends are my reality. kelen is my reality. my family is my reality. but everything is changing... it doesnt feel real anymore... that place. and i spent the last two years wanting this to be my reality but now that it is, its werid. they just feel like voices and past images now. i wish this wasnt true. i havent even talked to my fucking best friend in forever and i neeeeedd toooo... shes my rock. i know she will be reading this evantually,
and i love you more than anything and im not ignoring you or have forgotten you, i love you more than anything best friend, i promise <3 !!!
this place is my world now. my friend went back to st.johns for a week, and when she left she said it feels like shes leaving her world behind.... weeerrid. and she misses it here and can't wait to get back. werid.
besides that, im enjoying my time here. first presentation in acting class on friday! im very exicted.
i think i had my 3 week breakdown on sunday though... i havent felt that hopeless and i havent cried that hard and like that, for a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long time. i also slipped..... and those of you who know me will know what i am talking about.. and i'm sorry :( it was so overwhelming. i was so so so frustrated with my prose and other things. i was sitting in the lounge trying to find internet connection, listening to my ipod, when "the only expectation" played. i just broke down and bawled my eyes out... in the lounge.... by myself... like a loser. i then went back to my room and got in to bed very early, and laid in the dark for hours and cried while listening to music. good times my friends, good times.
i need kelen here. its becoming a problem.
i seem so negative and that i hate this place but i really really dont. i love being here. this is just my place to rant. so yes, i am loving it here and the experience and i like being on my own. i just want to put my bad thoughts here because i can deal with the good ones. love and miss you all.
this isnt the way it's suppose to be. my home is my reality. my friends are my reality. kelen is my reality. my family is my reality. but everything is changing... it doesnt feel real anymore... that place. and i spent the last two years wanting this to be my reality but now that it is, its werid. they just feel like voices and past images now. i wish this wasnt true. i havent even talked to my fucking best friend in forever and i neeeeedd toooo... shes my rock. i know she will be reading this evantually,
and i love you more than anything and im not ignoring you or have forgotten you, i love you more than anything best friend, i promise <3 !!!
this place is my world now. my friend went back to st.johns for a week, and when she left she said it feels like shes leaving her world behind.... weeerrid. and she misses it here and can't wait to get back. werid.
besides that, im enjoying my time here. first presentation in acting class on friday! im very exicted.
i think i had my 3 week breakdown on sunday though... i havent felt that hopeless and i havent cried that hard and like that, for a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long time. i also slipped..... and those of you who know me will know what i am talking about.. and i'm sorry :( it was so overwhelming. i was so so so frustrated with my prose and other things. i was sitting in the lounge trying to find internet connection, listening to my ipod, when "the only expectation" played. i just broke down and bawled my eyes out... in the lounge.... by myself... like a loser. i then went back to my room and got in to bed very early, and laid in the dark for hours and cried while listening to music. good times my friends, good times.
i need kelen here. its becoming a problem.
i seem so negative and that i hate this place but i really really dont. i love being here. this is just my place to rant. so yes, i am loving it here and the experience and i like being on my own. i just want to put my bad thoughts here because i can deal with the good ones. love and miss you all.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
rainy, lonely, quiet day in corner brook today :(
i love you and i miss you so much :( i miss your hugs and your loving and your kisses and everything and i'm so sad and i want you here so much :(
today isnt that fun. ive been away from home for a week now. my room is a complete and utter fucking mess right now... and my mind feels the same way. maybe thats from being lonely or it's from the amount of alchol i drank last night..or maybe it's a combination of both.
first experience of downtown corner brook last night. first experience drunk in corner brook last night. and first time drunk at university last night. it was fun. i enjoyed it more than being drunk or going downtown at home. the plan was to do it all over again tonight but i'm really not up for that right now. i'm so tired and worn out that i just can't do it tonight. besides, thats not me. i'm not a huge drinker anyways. everyone here seems to be though. no one understands where i come from with drinking... no one at all :( and if they do, their lying about it. even though i'm surrounded by 300 students living in residents, and even though i've made friends here, i'm still lonely. it's not the same thing as having your real friends around though... or your family. lucky for me though, i have an amazing family and i love them so much... and i miss them : ( i felt lonely at home though too.. a lot of the time. maybe thats how i am. it's not something to be proud of, not at all. i'm sitting at my desk, listening to people outside my door laughing and talking... and i feel jealous.. but annoyed. right now, i do want to be by myself because i don't want to put on an act and i don't want to put on a smile, because i don't feel that way right now... and i don't have enough mental strength to pretend that i do.
i miss other people too.. just the people that have always been there for the past couple years. i would miss them regardless of where i was in the world because they arn't in my life anymore. i always wonder if the type of relationship could change and we could become friends, who talk frequently about everything. i really hope so. i always want to be close with the people who i can't be close with. but theres no real reason we can't be close now.
going into my first acting class rekindled my stary eyed way about me when it came to acting and the stage. i'm so grateful for that because i was afarid it had burned out.
feeling sick, staying in bed and being a crab. i want to talk to someone :(
today isnt that fun. ive been away from home for a week now. my room is a complete and utter fucking mess right now... and my mind feels the same way. maybe thats from being lonely or it's from the amount of alchol i drank last night..or maybe it's a combination of both.
first experience of downtown corner brook last night. first experience drunk in corner brook last night. and first time drunk at university last night. it was fun. i enjoyed it more than being drunk or going downtown at home. the plan was to do it all over again tonight but i'm really not up for that right now. i'm so tired and worn out that i just can't do it tonight. besides, thats not me. i'm not a huge drinker anyways. everyone here seems to be though. no one understands where i come from with drinking... no one at all :( and if they do, their lying about it. even though i'm surrounded by 300 students living in residents, and even though i've made friends here, i'm still lonely. it's not the same thing as having your real friends around though... or your family. lucky for me though, i have an amazing family and i love them so much... and i miss them : ( i felt lonely at home though too.. a lot of the time. maybe thats how i am. it's not something to be proud of, not at all. i'm sitting at my desk, listening to people outside my door laughing and talking... and i feel jealous.. but annoyed. right now, i do want to be by myself because i don't want to put on an act and i don't want to put on a smile, because i don't feel that way right now... and i don't have enough mental strength to pretend that i do.
i miss other people too.. just the people that have always been there for the past couple years. i would miss them regardless of where i was in the world because they arn't in my life anymore. i always wonder if the type of relationship could change and we could become friends, who talk frequently about everything. i really hope so. i always want to be close with the people who i can't be close with. but theres no real reason we can't be close now.
going into my first acting class rekindled my stary eyed way about me when it came to acting and the stage. i'm so grateful for that because i was afarid it had burned out.
feeling sick, staying in bed and being a crab. i want to talk to someone :(
Thursday, September 9, 2010
keep true to the dreams of your youth
I was told today by my anthropology prof that writing and reading are both skills. We arn't born with a pen in our hands, and to become a better writer, we have to write. This makes sense. I use to write ALL the time and I was a great writer. I never write anymore and I'm not that great.
I moved to the west, to Corner Brook, Newfoundland to study Theatre and evantually, after four long years, get my degree. My home, with all my family and friends, is eight hours away. This also includes my boyfriend of almost three years. "Keep true to the dreams of your youth" ... in grade five, I had a tutor I would go to after school. She told me about how she was planning on going to a theatre school in Corner Brook called "Sir Wilfred Grenfell College". I remeber that specific moment and realizing, that's where I want to be. Nine years later, here I am.
I had my first day of classes today. They were mainly introduction classes but they were still good. They made me feel comfortable... and safe almost. Expect for English... I'm kind of worried about that one. I really enjoyed my Theatre 1020 class, introduction to stage craft. I thought to myself in that class, "If acting doesn't work out, I wouldn't even mind doing what these people do. I know I would enjoy it." It's true. I've been involved with every aspect of theatre in one way or another and I've honestly enjoyed every second of it. I love the process of which a play is built and brought together... how the story is told. I think you really have to appreciate the blood, sweat and tears that's brought into theatre to study it like I am. Maybe that's what passion feels like?
My roommate is spending her first night her tonight. I thought she was going to be a no show for a while. I drove out to Corner Brook saturday night and moved in sunday night. She came here tuesday morning and it's thursday night and she's spending her first night here. She is also taking theatre, so she's in almost every one of my classes. That's not really a good thing. First, I'm living with here. Then I have to see her in four of the five classes I'm taking? That might not be good for me. I don't trust very easily and I like my space and comfort to be in my own zone. Even though we have seperate bedrooms, she's still there. Don't get me wrong, she seems really nice...but odd at the same time. Not odd in a good way either. I mean, I'm odd and I know it. But she does certain things that make me...erk. She stares at me a lot.... and I HATE when people stare at me. She also follows me around.... and I know it's probably because she doesn't know her way around and she hasn't really made any friends yet, but as I said, I like my space. I've never had a sibling near my own age live with me before... so I haven't really been in this situation before. I found out that she only JUST turned seventeen.....SEVENTEEN! ... I'm nineteen.... and no matter what anyone says, that's a HUGE difference in everything... espically maturity. I also noticed something about her.... she brushes her teeth.... A LOT. I don't mean a few times a day, I mean, it seems like she's gotten out of bed like three or four times just tonight to brush her teeth.... and I know that isn't normal. Maybe she's a germaphobe? Or has OCD? I hope not... I wouldn't wish something like that on anybody.
I'm kind of realizing what the kids in high school felt like who moved into Mount Pearl from either another province, country or even town. Espically the kids from 'around the bay'. On my floor (of twenty eight people) only two of them are from town... and that includes me. I'm like a complete outsider on that part. It doesn't really affect getting to know people and making friends, but a lot of people are already friends because they all grew up and went to school together. I'm really enjoying my floor though... I have a feeling we're all going to have a good year together.
Basically, I started this blog to write down my thoughts and feelings about everything in my life that's on-going...plus to keep my friends updated! Be back tomorrow!
Friday, September.10th, 2010, 12:59AM
I moved to the west, to Corner Brook, Newfoundland to study Theatre and evantually, after four long years, get my degree. My home, with all my family and friends, is eight hours away. This also includes my boyfriend of almost three years. "Keep true to the dreams of your youth" ... in grade five, I had a tutor I would go to after school. She told me about how she was planning on going to a theatre school in Corner Brook called "Sir Wilfred Grenfell College". I remeber that specific moment and realizing, that's where I want to be. Nine years later, here I am.
I had my first day of classes today. They were mainly introduction classes but they were still good. They made me feel comfortable... and safe almost. Expect for English... I'm kind of worried about that one. I really enjoyed my Theatre 1020 class, introduction to stage craft. I thought to myself in that class, "If acting doesn't work out, I wouldn't even mind doing what these people do. I know I would enjoy it." It's true. I've been involved with every aspect of theatre in one way or another and I've honestly enjoyed every second of it. I love the process of which a play is built and brought together... how the story is told. I think you really have to appreciate the blood, sweat and tears that's brought into theatre to study it like I am. Maybe that's what passion feels like?
My roommate is spending her first night her tonight. I thought she was going to be a no show for a while. I drove out to Corner Brook saturday night and moved in sunday night. She came here tuesday morning and it's thursday night and she's spending her first night here. She is also taking theatre, so she's in almost every one of my classes. That's not really a good thing. First, I'm living with here. Then I have to see her in four of the five classes I'm taking? That might not be good for me. I don't trust very easily and I like my space and comfort to be in my own zone. Even though we have seperate bedrooms, she's still there. Don't get me wrong, she seems really nice...but odd at the same time. Not odd in a good way either. I mean, I'm odd and I know it. But she does certain things that make me...erk. She stares at me a lot.... and I HATE when people stare at me. She also follows me around.... and I know it's probably because she doesn't know her way around and she hasn't really made any friends yet, but as I said, I like my space. I've never had a sibling near my own age live with me before... so I haven't really been in this situation before. I found out that she only JUST turned seventeen.....SEVENTEEN! ... I'm nineteen.... and no matter what anyone says, that's a HUGE difference in everything... espically maturity. I also noticed something about her.... she brushes her teeth.... A LOT. I don't mean a few times a day, I mean, it seems like she's gotten out of bed like three or four times just tonight to brush her teeth.... and I know that isn't normal. Maybe she's a germaphobe? Or has OCD? I hope not... I wouldn't wish something like that on anybody.
I'm kind of realizing what the kids in high school felt like who moved into Mount Pearl from either another province, country or even town. Espically the kids from 'around the bay'. On my floor (of twenty eight people) only two of them are from town... and that includes me. I'm like a complete outsider on that part. It doesn't really affect getting to know people and making friends, but a lot of people are already friends because they all grew up and went to school together. I'm really enjoying my floor though... I have a feeling we're all going to have a good year together.
Basically, I started this blog to write down my thoughts and feelings about everything in my life that's on-going...plus to keep my friends updated! Be back tomorrow!
Friday, September.10th, 2010, 12:59AM
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