i'm afarid to sleep because of what haunts me

Where do I even start? How do I even start in explaining what my world has been like since my last post? The whole obbession with home and my old life has faded. Thank god. I tore all the pictures of my 'friends' off my wall, and I have accepted that they arn't my real friends. I have accepted this life pretty much to the extent that I wanted. I'm beginning to accept that I don't need others to make me happy or to make me feel worthy. I'm not saying that I don't still feel unworthy at times but it is most defintely calmed down a little bit. It's calmed down to the extent that I can breath now without reminding myself to breath. I was terrified of leaving my old life behind but now I'm terrified of leaving this life behind. I'm so scared of saying goodbye to so many people I'm accustomed to now. I will be back but I'm so scared of closing my eyes and waking up when I'm 60 years old and thinking, "Where the hell has my life gone?". I have realized that I am most definitely my own worst enemy. Without a doubt. I need to get out of my own way to live life as if I'm actually living, and not half dead. I don't want to go back to the same old routine, which is no routine at all and be bored to the point where I want to run away. It seems like I've blown the smoke out of my eyes and I can see things much more clearly now. I don't know if it's because I'm maturing or my nice new little pills or both. I haven't cut in about a month now....or more than that. I've been seeing a threapist but I must admit, I haven't seen him in quite some time...meaning, over a week, which really is a long time considering I see him every week. Tonight I am struggling a bit though. I am struggling because I don't want to put myself in a situation where I am comprising myself and where I am letting myself be underminded for the sake of feeling wanted or loved. I struggle with keeping myself here tonight and not walking upstairs and allowing you to hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, only to turn around and to spill my secrets to the world. I'm worth so much more than that. That isn't friendship or compassion. I'm not a booty call that will drop the world at my feet because you need to feel better about yourself. How I feel to myself means much much more than anything you can make me feel, because that will go away in the matter of hours, whereas what I feel about myself will last a lifetime. I'm stronger than that. I'm better than that. I'm better than letting a male ignore me and pretend that everything we have shared and do share doesn't exist to the outside world because they are embarrased of me or of who I am or because of how I look. I'm worth everything I can give to myself plus more. I won't let you destroy that from me. You are a demon disgused as an angel. I won't be fooled by that anymore.

it will set you free

i want to be set free. i don't want to want your love or anyones love...i want to love myself enough to not need anyone elses support or reassurance. i want to get lost in a cloud of smoke and to forget the pain..i want to get lost in my thoughts, and when i mean lost i mean i dont want to be near my thoughts because they are absoutely damaging to me. i want to be the object of desire to everything and everyone. i want to be perfect in everyone elses eyes, because then i will be perfect in mine. i want to walk into a room and be the most confident person there. i want to be remebered, to be noticed. i want people to look at me and say, "who's that girl?". i want to be the badass bitch that everyone loves. even if its an act, i want everyone to love me.................why cant that be true now......whats wrong with me