pressure

i feel pressure
so much pressure
i can even feel it in my body
i thought coming here that i would be in my element and grades wouldnt matter as much and the weak areas would go away and i would strive
this is all shit. grades matter so much here and its suffocating
i feel stupid as hell. i feel like i shouldnt be here. i feel like im setting myself up for destruction. i just want to be left alone. what do i even love anymore? i just want to be held and told its all going to be okay because i dont feel like its going to be okay at all
and im tired of people judging me and acting superior over me, it's ugly and cocky as hell and i hate you for it

free

do i really think i've changed that much since i've been here? i mean, it's only been two and a half months, could i be THAT different than what i was? i think so. seriously, i really do believe i've changed, in a lot of good ways. in mostly all good ways. besides the fact that i drink so much more than i use too, it's all in a positive way. i'm not frustrated with myself and my life anymore. i was so stuck in a rut of loneliness i think and i hated that my life was surrounded by wishes and hopes and dreams that never seemed like they were going to be fulifilled. i think i've grown up. i'm not as relant on people as i use to be, not in the least. in my personality, i think i might have changed as well. it's going to be interesting to see how christmas holidays are going to be. i don't think i'm afarid anymore. i've always been social but i am way more social and happy now. any type of insecurity that was keeping me back doesn't keep me back anymore. i've met so many different new people since i've been here and it has broken a lot of the sterotypes that i had against other people here. i'm not afarid to let go of my past anymore. i'm ready. i'm ready to finish the unfinished business of my life back home and just start fresh. this is like my home now. it really is. i just want to say goodbye to all that bullshit emotional lullage i was holding onto back home. i am myself now, almost. i am free. i don't need someone to tell me or to prove to me who i am and what i can or can not do. it's like a breath of fresh air. this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, for me.